coffeebarconfessions

Habits become habits because after a being does something a certain way for a certain while, the brain forms communication synapses to make doing it that way easier. It's a wonderful function of adaptation, unless of course a person is trying to break a bad habit, like quitting smoking or not avoiding their life anymore because reality bites. In those cases, the brain seemingly urges itself to continue partaking of said bad behavior. I've found trying to talk the brain out of doing what the brain wants to do can be an utterly maddening experience. I'm trying with all my might to actively change my evil ways. After so many years of feeling so awful, and trying to do anything about it making me so crazy, I developed deep neural pathways of avoidance. It was so much easier to get lost in the fiction book I'm writing, than deal with pain in my body so bad it annihilated my entire life. Unfortunately, this coping mechanism ensured that the day I actually did look at my life ...

I sit here mystified and bewildered, unsure how to proceed. Thoughts of obligations, responsibilities, ambitions and dreams whirl around in my head in a constant 24-hour cycle. There is no break, no moment of peace, regardless of how badly I need certainty. Trying to make sense of my journey only makes me crazy and panicked. Attempts to manipulate my future leave me feeling raw and exposed. For so long my body hurt so bad it was all I could feel, think, see and do. That pain consumed me, invaded my heart and distorted my mind. I didn't think it would ever leave, to the point that I forgot who I was because that pain was all I could be. That pain became me. Something kept me going, but I don't know what. If I could bottle it and sell it I would gladly laugh my way to the bank to cash my millions. How does a person keep going with so much torment and adversity? What happened six months ago that changed everything? I hit the floor of a glass bottom boat hard, and stared at the chu...