Greedy Me

I've spent the better part of the last week and a half trying to figure out what's going on with me. Today I finally got it. I don't know if my brain was too bogged up and convoluted with Fibro fog to see clearly, or if that big elephant called denial got in my way again. Perhaps it was a mixture of both, but whatever the culprit, now I can clearly see the spiral I'm barreling down is the result of my greed. See I've had tremendous progress over the last few months in stabilizing my symptoms, and improving both my functioning and quality of life. So much progress, Miss Type A stepped back into the drivers seat, and cracked her whip of expectation over every inch of my backside.

Now my ass hurts too bad to sit down. Everything hurts, quite frankly, and feels confusing, scary and too big to deal with. I'm on the verge of losing some real advantage I worked my booty off to obtain. All because I got a moderate taste of not being a woman too sick to enjoy life. Once that luscious fruit crossed my lips, all I wanted was more. I wanted it so bad reality, my limitations and good old fashioned common sense took a huge backseat to...living again.

Then it got hot, which meant I had to get up earlier to walk my dogs. Getting up earlier means going to sleep earlier. Well, sleep is, like, one of my biggest issues in life. I just got myself to the point where I can keep a bedtime, as a concept. Before that it was a nightly coin toss to see if my brain would shut off or not. Eureka! A little stability with my sleep gave me the ability to stick to a schedule and actually make some progress in life. I'm now exercising five days a week, which is a huge accomplishment for me. But as its gotten hotter, I've had to get up earlier, but am not disciplined enough to go to bed earlier. I also refused to give up my daily exercise. After a few weeks of shorting my rest, I'm falling apart. That's what makes me greedy. Because all my hard work and success made me forget that I am still a sick woman. Not as sick as I was by a long shot, but also not the healthy girl my inner Type A keeps dragging to the surface and abusing.

Thanks for joining,
Leah     

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