The Habit Of Good Intention
Habits become habits because after a being does something a certain way for a certain while, the brain forms communication synapses to make doing it that way easier. It's a wonderful function of adaptation, unless of course a person is trying to break a bad habit, like quitting smoking or not avoiding their life anymore because reality bites. In those cases, the brain seemingly urges itself to continue partaking of said bad behavior. I've found trying to talk the brain out of doing what the brain wants to do can be an utterly maddening experience.
I'm trying with all my might to actively change my evil ways. After so many years of feeling so awful, and trying to do anything about it making me so crazy, I developed deep neural pathways of avoidance. It was so much easier to get lost in the fiction book I'm writing, than deal with pain in my body so bad it annihilated my entire life. Unfortunately, this coping mechanism ensured that the day I actually did look at my life objectively in the mirror, I hated what I saw. As I struggled to understand my health and what kind of quality I could expect, all I wanted to do was bury my head in the sand and run away screaming, "Change is too hard!" Because really, it was. And still is.
It is extremely important to me to chronicle this phase of my recovery. For so long I kept quiet, believing what I had to say was either too boring, controversial or revealing of my inner person. But I cannot achieve life if fear controls me. And I've found other things have become important to me lately, too. Things like making the bed and putting on makeup. Little things so common and inconsequential to life they became extravagant luxuries when I was oh so sick. Now, I find myself in a position to regain a slim semblance of normalcy, and it feels incredible. However, if I keep ignoring my life and burying my head in the sand of avoidance-land, those things never get done. So I will continue to address my myriad issues by doing, over and over again, the good habits that net me the results I want. Let's just hope one day soon my brain gets the memo.
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