The Awareness Of Silence
It's hard to believe months have passed since I pushed the "power down" button on my social life. At that time, everything was spiraling around my world in utter chaos. I was one hot mess, and needed to retreat and regroup, before everything I knew and loved went up in smoke. Initially, the silence was golden. Once the clutter started settling down, I was able to separate my issues from other people's. There was tremendous freedom in not feeling responsible for the weight of the world!
But that was just the tip of the iceberg. As I found me, I discovered so much more about the world at large. The pressures, expectations and control dramas people force upon each other bitch-slapped me with profound ridiculousness. While I was driven to understand this dynamic, and the function it serves in society, it also propelled me into a world of my own creation. Suddenly, my pressures, my expectations, and my control dramas, were all that really mattered. The day I discovered I can decide what I experience, and what I allow to permeate my reality, was one of the most powerful days I ever lived.
The clarity I exist in now is unreal. On the flip side, I have absolutely no patience for both people who get upset when they can't control others, and people who get upset when others try to control them. It's such a losing proposition! Clearly the only thing a person can control, is themselves! How does everyone not see this, as clear as Christmas on December 25th? Of course my next question is, why did it take me 37 years, and almost dying like 20 times, to figure this out? After pondering this dynamic for months now, two clear motivations rise to the top; the innate need to justify our existence, choices and outcomes, all wrapped up in the need to be accepted. So simple, yet so complex, just like the layered psyche of the human condition it represents. I can honestly say the last thing I expected to find on my journey of silence, was freedom. Yet, without a doubt, it's the most important thing I discovered was already there. I just had to look at it the right way.
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