Dear People...

I suffer from a chronic illness. It is exhausting and painful and sometimes I will complain and cry. Some days I cannot get out of bed. Some days I feel great and run around like a crazy trying to get caught up on my life. On most I try to balance between the two extremes, for that is where my best success lies. I still have responsibilities and obligations and it often seems that they will take me down. But they don't, at least not for very long. I strive to be a good spouse, partner, parent, employee, sibling, child, friend and anything else that may apply to my life. But I have to set limits. The limits are with myself, for the longer I live with this illness the more I learn about what I can and cannot do to still maintain some semblance of a quality of life. The limits often come across as harsh and selfish, like I am only considering myself. In a way I am, but it is self-preservation, not self-indulgence that motivates me. I cannot engage in the myriad of activities I once did and often have to "sit" out on the fun stuff. I feel horrible about it but try and keep a smile on my face and pretend it does not bother me. I tell you its okay for you to go. The last thing I want to do is ruin your life too.

I have moments of desperation, excruciating pain and fits of rage and anger. I am also full of love and hope and a strength few possess. For to live in the pain I live in, do the things I do to maintain the illusion of normalcy, the lengths I go to in my efforts to preserve a quality of life, those are not for the weak of heart. I am as strong as they come and my reality now dictates that I fight for myself every day of my life. I am often at the mercy of side-effects of medication and exhaustion and can be snappy. I am sorry if I take my frustrations out on you. It is not you I am mad at, it is the diminished capacity I am left with because of this chronic illness.

When I got sick I went to the doctor. They could not find a reason for the pain and ran an exhaustive list of tests attempting to source out the problem. They could not find a medical abnormality so they gave it a name by diagnosis of exclusion. A name the medical community invented, yet sectors of it refuse to "believe" in. Many have blamed me. I have been labeled crazy, lazy, wimpy and a junkie. I have endured emotional abuse in my efforts to get out of pain so I can just get back to living my life. This illness will not kill me, but until a cause and cure are found I will have it forever, so it is something I cannot ignore and must learn how to manage. My life has not turned out like I thought it would, my health is the center of my universe and the ease with which I am knocked off my axis surprises even me sometimes. But I still have hopes and dreams, goals and ambitions. I still want to laugh, love, enjoy and savor. I still want to experience all life has to offer. So please bear with me as I navigate my way through this journey. I am seeking my balance. I am searching for my limits. I am putting everything I have into getting through each day, and at the end of each one I am still me...

Thanks for joining,
Leah

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